Tag Archives: advice

Finding yourself as a mom… or anyone really.

Yesterday, I talked to a fellow mom who felt –as many of us do– that she was losing herself in the midst of being so much for the people around her.  As I nodded emphatically, (because man, have I been there) I noticed that I don’t actually feel that way anymore.  When did that happen?

Is it that my kids are all out of diapers and tantrums are now to a dull, calmer, roar instead of constant three-year old hysteria? Is it that I was a very young mom and have just gotten older?  Is it having things on the side–away from my kids or making more “Me Time?”  Surprisingly, I don’t think so.  I took a lot of hot showers and girls night to fix that void and it was still there despite having the me time. What happened was a lot of drama all at once physical, emotional and financial and I was left with only hope and humility.

When it comes down to it, life forced me to stop pushing back at everything.  Not everything is a battle anymore.  When I stopped trying to prove myself, and make my voice heard, and be everything I thought I wanted me to be and the world wanted me to be, I started to find myself.  It makes sense to me.  I see people that battle through their days at work or school the same as moms–regardless of lack of days off or insane hours.

Think about it.  We gear up for everything.  We research it, we debate it, we obsess until we just can’t live up to our expectations.  We want to be as good at who we are as who we think we should be and half the time, we know we’ll never reach it–or at least not exactly the way we want to. Somewhere in there, all of us wonder who we are and how we forgot that or lost it.

I realized what I had to do that might actually help other people.  Hopefully this helps others act willingly and they don’t have to go through as much before being forced to change their thinking/actions.  I’m sharing this, not to give the absurd assumption that I am above anyone else, but this helped me and I hope it will help you too.

Here’s the closest thing to a process to my attitude adjustment I can organize and they are all easier said than done.  Let’s hope your house, finances, husband and extended family don’t fall apart or almost die for you to start these:

1. Start by complimenting people around you for the things they do right.  Even if they screw up in the midst of making one thing right, genuinely acknowledge the one thing.  It makes a difference in you when you stop treating other people the way you treat yourself (just looking for places to improve). Search for those little nuggets of sunshine. Eventually, you do the same for yourself.

2.  Pick your battles.  –No, just leave the battlefield.  This is probably the most important with yourself and other people and situations.  If you wouldn’t care about it if everything you love were gone tomorrow, let it be. Stop making excuses for yourself and others. Hear what others are saying and if you can’t change how they feel about you or whatever the issue is–accept it.  Listen to them, let them push, but stop pushing back. Even if you are right and you feel wronged. It only wears you out and gives you reason to doubt yourself.  People only change if they want to.  Nothing you say is going to change that.  If they’ve hurt you, they already know it.

When you stop pushing back, it doesn’t make you a victim.  This was hard for me to grasp but I eventually realized that people can’t fight acceptance.  You only have to assert yourself once plainly and after that, accept that people are difficult and may not want to see your side or understand how you feel.  They may still want or try to hurt you, but pushing back only makes you hurt more when they don’t care.  We care too much about closure and validation and too little about peace and happiness.

3. What ever you do–be it at home or out in the world, love it.  Some times it is so tempting to resent the busywork, the chaos, and everyone’s expectation that you fix it all or the insistence that you are responsible for it. See the beauty in your kids, marriage, job, etc.  See the good parts of you in them as well as the difficult.  Find something to enjoy about your job and the people in it. If it were gone tomorrow, you’d miss it on some level.  Find that level and try to understand it and love it.

4. Take care of your body.  Eat right and exercise.  Don’t wait for a heart attack to fix that.  You will feel the benefits almost immediately and see it soon after.

5. Pick up a book.  You do have time.

6. Schedule days to do nothing.  Make those plans solid.  Sit on your butt and relax with people that matter once in a while. Not every day needs to be post worthy and action packed.

7. Find issues that you feel strongly about and force yourself to see and study different sides of them.  It has so many benefits and you’ll be a smarter and better person for it.

8. Stop worrying about losing yourself.  You find yourself when you aren’t so concerned about it.

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My 2 cents on Miley, Kate, and My Daughters’ Self Worth.

From Kate Middleton’s tiny tummy and Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance, to articles and opinions all over Facebook and twitter, my head is spinning with everyone’s idea of women and what their body roles and social expectations are.

I read an article posted by a friend, where the author of the post discusses why a mother should only talk to her child about her body on the technical issues and to tell her she’s healthy.  Granted, there were many good points in the article, such as how we women talk about ourselves and each other, affecting how our girls view themselves.  My main issue with the article is that each one of my four little girls will have friends, TV, and internet, among countless other venues including social media everywhere they turn.  I cannot fathom the damage I would have done to myself worth as a teen if I didn’t have a mom and friends to talk to.  From worrying about my “bubble butt” and hearing my friend call it a “Slammin’ backside” to talking to my mom about why cigarettes seemed so cool in the ads growing up and having her talk to me about long term–not so pretty–effects, it helped just as much as wishing my boobs were bigger and my tummy was flatter might have hindered.  I knew everyone else wanted that too.  It wasn’t just me.

Jealous Girls

Women compare ourselves to what we see.  I don’t know why we do, but I have yet to find another woman who doesn’t.  I want to be there to talk to my girls about what they are seeing and what that means for them.  With their own bodies, each one of my daughters have differences in appearance. Just between each other, and they notice.  All of them are beautiful, but different.  Kind of like chocolate. It can be shaped, colored, and proportioned differently and anyone with an ounce of honesty can say each one of these is desirable, purely based everyone’s love of the food in general.

Now, after listening, reading, watching and judging this past week, here’s my soap box rant.

Our bodies are what we make of them.  If you walk up to the most beautiful woman you can think of, she can rattle off ten things she’d change about her body if she could.  There isn’t any thing wrong with wanting to be more healthy or beautiful, but as with every other part of life, moderation is key.

My theory is that if we walk the walk and talk the talk of the kind of woman we want to be, we become that very thing.  Women who carry themselves with class and dignity, who treat themselves as if they are naturally beautiful …are.  We other women sense it, believe it and tell ourselves we aren’t that at all and simply wish we were.

Honestly,it wasn’t my cup of tea, but I don’t think Miley’s performance was that big of a deal.  I’m grateful that Miley’s performance is getting bad hype, though.  It gives me a chance to talk to my girls, who heard about it at school, about how we present ourselves and how having something to prove (like “I’m not a little girl anymore”) can back fire.  We can talk about how Miley is beautiful, but doesn’t always portray that.  My daughter noted she didn’t look like she felt good about herself.  I love that Kate Middleton looks great postpartum and I am so glad that she has the ability to feel the joys of motherhood.  I was able to talk to my girls, who heard it on the radio in the car, about how our bodies change many times in our life and every baby Kate has will add smile lines on her face, inches on her waist line and even if she doesn’t melt those inches off, she will still be stunning because of how she presents herself.

I talk to my kids about how working out to be healthy and have the energy to chase after your kids, or giving up a diet to really enjoy baking brownies with your little girl (or any other body altering thing), is a personal choice every mom has to make when trying to balance herself with her nurturing nature and other hats every woman puts on.  I talk to them about the wonderful women who never get married or who can’t have kids and it opens their minds to the many options and situations that are both a blessing and a curse, depending on the woman.  All of them have body issues.

We all want to be beautiful, to be complimented, to be graceful and charming.  We want to look like what our generation sees as beautiful.  It was something else many times and whether it is curves, or rail thin, or long legged, or plump, there are always other women wishing they felt like people looked at them the same way.

I worry that in our “You don’t need to diet, you’re perfect just the way you are”/”Eat healthy or you’ll get fat” society, it is confusing.  We need our mothers, sisters, aunts and friends to be there and talk about it.  In fact, there doesn’t seem to be a single womanhood issue that doesn’t have opposing opinions being shoved down our throats.  There are so many mixed signals we send each other:

Screenshot of Audrey Hepburn from the film Charade

Screenshot of Audrey Hepburn from the film Charade (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Stay at home/work and provide.

Keep a clean house to be a good mom/let it be messy if you love your kids more than cleaning.

Don’t judge looks/that girl should never wear skinny jeans.

Natural healthcare/Professional healthcare

Be YOU! … Just not like THAT.

Be Grace Kelly AND Marilyn Monroe AND June Cleaver… ready go!

Going back to the idea that our self worth and sexuality starts at a very young age, sends my mommy instincts a whirl, wondering what my girls are going to tell themselves.  But I really don’t have to wonder.  They have the best source for their own well being right here.  Me.  –no pressure right?  But for me, I feel that everyone can be like their ideal role models–or at least aspects of them and I want my girls to talk to me about it.  The way my husband and I address these issues will effect so many parts of their self esteem and sexuality growing up.  I want them to see the good things and recognize the bad for what they are.

DAUGHTERS TALKING

What we should do is let our kids talk to us.  Ask our daughters what they see as appealing to them in their idols or role models.   Talk about why they feel that way.  It may surprise you that it is less her Prada or size 0 tag, or partying habits and more that she just seems… beautiful in general.  She has a quality… a confidence. So, ask if it is the way her idol looks, or if they want to feel like that celebrity or model must feel, being that confident or beautiful.  We can all feel confident and beautiful if we treat ourselves like we are, and act as if we are.

Marilyn Monroe

I am not built exactly like any woman I admire, but it doesn’t matter.  I have danced clumsily with my husband in the kitchen and felt like Grace Kelly.  I have had a meal baked, kids looking cute and had everything in place when my husband walked in and felt like June Cleaver… even though it was a little crispier than it should have been.   I’ve finally fit into that cute vintage dress and felt like Audrey Hepburn.  I’ve been on stage, looking great and felt like Marilyn Monroe.  But I’ve had pretty much ever insecurity a girl can have as well, and perhaps more frequently.

I believe we have these insecurities to be constantly trying to improve ourselves.  No, that’s not a bad thing.   If we stop growing, we lose out on so much.  It is why we are here, to get smarter and better and kinder and… well just insert the thing you desire of yourself: creative, strong, outgoing, or more quiet and reserved, etc.

Talk to your kids about what they see and think.  They’re smarter than we often give them credit for.

I want to note that I am not a perfect parent, and who knows what kinds of therapy my kids will need someday from my particular style, but I do know that I want my kids to be able to use what they see as a tool to feel better and strive to be better in a productive way.  Complaining forever more that society is evil won’t help them.  Admitting it is confusing and helping them figure out what works best for them might just work.

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by | August 28, 2013 · 4:51 pm

10 things you need to know about school Bullying

1. It doesn’t just happen to the “weird” kids.  All it takes is someone with a chip on their shoulder finding someone else to take their issues out on. It isn’t just being different.  Sometimes it can merely be a power trip.  How they justify that is varied.

2. There is no singular advice that “fixes” bullying and no perfect way to go about it.  Bullies are different shapes and sizes and personality types with very different backgrounds.  What works with one might not with another. as a parent, you need to go with instinct and what you think will help your child feel safest.

3. There are options, but you have to be ready for the consequences of non-action vs. action vs. reaction.  Give your child comfort and understanding.  You know your child, help them know they are safe with you and that you want to help them be safe at school.

4. Teachers and faculty have to jump through a lot of hoops to resolve a situation and no one wants to label a child a “Bully.”

English: the picture consist of articles on bu...

English: the picture consist of articles on bullying, I obtained it from public domain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

5.  Labels are big no-nos now for both the bullied and the bully.  You’ll have better luck not using words like “Picked on” or “Bullied” or “Tormented.”  Instead when discussing the problem with both children and faculty, just explain the situation and ask questions.  Calmly explain how you feel and listen to what they say, even if you don’t like it.

6. DOCUMENT.  Bullying is hard to prove.  Every scratch, scrape,  and bruise you know is coming from a bully, document.  Schools need “proof” now.  Once you know there is a problem, record the time, place and situation, every time your child comes home crying or upset at name calling or being excluded, etc.  Write down names of witnesses or if things happen at a certain time or place.

7. Communicate about what you want to do to help, and how it will happen with the victim. Give them options. Ask them if they want you to do that.  You need their cooperation to get help.  i.e. if you talk to school administration and want action and they see your child playing with the bully at recess like there isn’t a problem.  Or they interview your child and your child says it wasn’t a big deal and they just want to go.  It’s hard to work with.

8. Policies and legislation are different everywhere.  So are the definitions of bullying.  Do your homework and make sure your particular issue goes along with those guidelines the school has and DOCUMENT to support your claims. USE THE RIGHT CHAIN OF COMMAND.

9. While trying to make sense of the situation, a lot of victims start rationalizing how they deserve this treatment.  Listen to your child.  Make sure you don’t imply that they have a reason to be bullied, but ask if they think there is.  Those thoughts can be dangerous.  It will help your child in the long run, to know where their mind is.  Remind them that everyone has worth and a right to be safe and free of harm and ridicule.

10. Get advice.  There is a horrible issue today about keeping quiet about these things.  You don’t want your child to fight the battle alone, and there’s no reason for you to do so either.  So many people have dealt with this that can give you expert advice and even those who offer extreme suggestions can be learned from.

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